Your Cereal Consumption is a Crime Against Breakfast

(Clapper board)

Speaker 1: Three, two, one. (Clap) Okay.

Speaker 2: Did you wait? You wait now. I tried to delay on purpose so that I could like be in sync with you and, and I feel like, feel like you, you, you out-gamed me in that one.

Speaker 1: We're too in sync, man. Too in sync.

Speaker 2: Uh, speaking of today, uh, and being in sync, uh, today's topic is cereal. How's it going this morning? Are you ready to eat some crack...

Speaker 1: Everybody's ready to eat cereal out of the sink.

Speaker 2: We could. My kids always just pour all of their, whatever they didn't eat, right into the sink. What? Maybe that's why I'm associating it.

Speaker 1: That is a fucking travesty.

Speaker 2: I, I, I drink the milk, dude. I'm like full-on empty bowl.

Speaker 1: Yeah, it's gotta be empty bowl. It's funny because I admonish, I admonish my wife, um, for that sometimes. Is she'll, she'll leave milk in the fucking bowl. And I'm just like, why wouldn't you just pour less milk? Why the fuck are you pouring half of our goddamn carton of milk down the sink? Now I have to go buy more milk every other day. What the fuck? Drink the goddamn milk or pour less in. Like those are your options. That's how I feel about it. It seems like such a waste.

Speaker 2: Just have dry cereal. Just have dry cereal. Why are you...

Speaker 1: Put water in there.

Speaker 2: Put water in there.

Speaker 1: Oh, next time we're out of milk, why don't you eat cereal with water in it? Because you poured all the milk down the sink. Now you're gonna...

Speaker 2: Have you ever tried to eat cereal... have you ever tried to eat cereal with water?

Speaker 1: Yes, I have. Yes, I have. It's horrible. Jesus Christ, is it bad. Why did we invent a food that's only good with milk? Like, why... why is that? Why is cereal only good with milk? That's so weird. What other food is like that? That is only good with one pairing.

Speaker 2: I feel like it's the evolution of like oatmeal and like flake, like that stuff, right? Like, that's what I feel like cereal is. It's the evolution of that.

Speaker 1: It's oatmeal.

Speaker 2: It started out with like... yeah. You started out with, "Oh, oh, we need, we need, uh, we need some nutrients this morning." "Oh, okay. How about this like grass over here?" "Oh, it's like giving me dry mouth." "Oh, put some water in with it." "Oh, okay." "And oh, but like we're not getting all of our nutrients. So let's fucking pour some milk in there." "So..." "Oh, wow. That's great. Now let's manufacture this thing and, and put it in a box."

Speaker 1: It's oatmeal with fewer steps. You don't have to cook it or anything like that.

Speaker 2: Yeah, there's no cooking.

Speaker 1: When you threw... you had me for a second, then you threw "grass" in there and I was, I was, you, I was lost. You lost me. You lost me.

Speaker 2: Is it... is it not grass?

Speaker 1: "Yeah, we'll eat some grass. Oh, there's not enough nutrients in grass, so I put milk on grass." Bro, who's eating milk and grass, bro? Who's eating that?

Speaker 2: Yo, hold on, hold on. Is... isn't that what oats... where does that come from?

Speaker 1: Oats? Fucking foods. What? Bushels. Bushels of oats is where they come from.

Speaker 2: Where do you think the bushel of... What do you think a bushel of oats are, individually?

Speaker 1: Farmers, dummy. That's who makes them. In the oat factory. What do you think it is, though? In the fucking oat factory, the farmers are making it there.

Speaker 2: It is a grain, yes? It's a grain?

Speaker 1: Yeah. Okay. Grains technically, they come from grasses and blah, blah, blah, dude. Like, you said "eat grass" like a motherfucker's just eating straight grass. Like, oats is not the same thing as eating grass, all right? This is apples and oranges right here. This is, you're comparing cereal and grass right now. That's the new apples and oranges.

Speaker 2: Okay, okay, okay. I'll re... let me rephrase my thing. Holy cow, look at this 6-foot-tall piece of grass. Let me take the seeds from the grass. And, "Oh, I can put this in my, uh, my hand, and I can chew on it. And it, it gives me a fill... a filling, uh, a feeling of filling-ness. But, man, does it give me dry mouth. How can I combat this? Let me put some water with it." Is that helpful? Does that help you? Instead of going from the grass to the seed?

Speaker 1: There you go. That actually makes sense. Instead of me envisioning a guy just eating grass like a goat and then being like, "This grass isn't very nutritious. I'm going to put milk on it."

Speaker 2: You've never seen a farmer chewing on grass, you know?

Speaker 1: Okay. Since we're going all the way back to soup to nuts and you're talking about, "Oh, the grass, we're taking the grain off." Instead of saying "milk," why don't you just say "cow titty"? Why don't we just do that?

Speaker 2: Well, let's not even go to cow titty. I think cow titty is too far evolved. Let's start with the goat. You know, the goat is where it all started.

Speaker 1: Goat is smaller. Yeah, yeah. Goats before cows. So we're, we're on, we're eating grass and drinking goat tit. Uh, I think that's about it. I think that's it. Oh, what about the invention of the bowl? We put that in the bowl, I think is the final thing. Turtle shell, a turtle shell instead of an actual bowl.

Speaker 2: Turtle shell. Ugh. Dude, how many... how many people died from eating out of a turtle shell when they were...

Speaker 1: The first bowl of cereal.

Speaker 2: Did you know I had, I was so obsessed with Ninja Turtles that that's what I ate my cereal out of, was a Ninja Turtle cereal bowl for like, from like 9 to 13?

Speaker 1: That's just cool as hell, dude. If I had a, dude, if I had as an adult a Ninja Turtle cereal bowl... I actually probably wouldn't eat out of it because of microplastics, but that would be badass. And I would eat out of it if it wasn't for the whole microplastics dimension.

Speaker 2: It was totally worth the... it was totally worth the microplastics. Totally. Dude, I mean, that's just cool. Let me say... let me say that after a couple of years, they started leaking. And so I had like a time limit on how fast I could eat, 'cause the, 'cause they had like little legs and, and like head, you know, on the side of the bowl.

Speaker 1: Any points of failure. Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2: And there were so, there were too many points of failure. So my Honey Nut Cheerios, man, my Honey Nut Cheerios only had a, had a shelf life of like, you know, two and a half minutes.

Speaker 1: You could just do a lot of little bowls. That's the other tactic. A lot of little bowls of cereal. The Honey Nut...

Speaker 2: I couldn't eat... I couldn't eat all of the uh, Lucky Charm, um, uh, just the grain Lucky Charm parts and leave all the marshmallows 'cause it would drain too fast. I had to just eat the whole cereal right off the bat.

Speaker 1: You're eating it over the sink? Just pouring milk into the sink while you're eating your cereal out of it. It's okay, it's worth it 'cause the bowl's cool.

Speaker 2: Shut up, Mom. Go buy me another carton of milk. It's worth it 'cause the bowl's cool. Shut up, Mom. I'm trying to eat out of Raphael over here, okay? I got Michelangelo in, in the sink here. It's fine.

Speaker 1: I've already eaten through two of the turtles. I'm going to eat two la... eat two more later. One, you got four turtle bowls and a rat skull, and you're going to eat through all the turtle bowls, then you get to finish with Master... Master, whatever his name is, eat out of a rat skull.

Speaker 2: Master Splinter. Yeah. Uh, I don't want to go too far down the turtle hole 'cause I could, I... I could, uh, I could talk about Ninja Turtles all day long. But what was your favorite cereal? What was, what was the cereal that, like, let's talk about the evolution of your cereal eating, right? What were you eating as a kid? And do you eat the same stuff today that you ate as a child?

Speaker 1: I don't think, I don't even remember eating cereal as a kid that... Oh, you know what? I remember really liking Honey Nut Cheerios, now that you mentioned that. Um, most of those cereals, I didn't really have access to them. You know, very, very health-conscious parents. So, not a, not a big cereal household. Um, but it wasn't like, oh, we, we, we wanted cereal, but we only ended up eating the most boring kinds of cereal. It was more like there was either cereal that was good, or there was no cereal. And it was usually no cereal. But when there was good cereal, oh boy. I didn't, I didn't never like Lucky Charms, personally. I actually should try them as an adult. Oh, I'm... Froot Loops. Froot Loops were my jam as a kid. If we get a sugary cereal, I get Froot Loops every time. That toucan, he had his hooks in me, man. He had his big old beak on me. It's funny because I actually tried them as an adult, like years later. Like, I didn't eat cereal throughout college. I barely ate it in high school. And, uh, so I didn't really eat much cereal at all until like, um, or at least most like normal cereals, uh, until like... Yeah, until like recently, honestly, until like a few years ago.

Speaker 2: You eat... Oh, cereal today?

Speaker 1: Dude, now... it's funny is now I, I tried Froot Loops again, I thought they were gross. I thought they were gross. And it's not because I don't like sugary stuff. I tried a lot of sugary cereals again. I tried Honey Nut Cheerios. Eh, not really that good. Too much. Too much for me now. My taste buds... my taste buds, I thought would get duller with age. They've apparently gotten sharper because being dulled by buckets full of sugar is like too much sugar. Like, they're too sensitive now. Um, so... must be, must be eating all that butt. I ate too much butt in college and now my, my toot... my taste buds got real sensitive. So, uh, dude, now I eat like boring cereals for the most part. Here, here are my two favorites. I've been eating cereal regularly, by the way. I've been eating the plain Cheerios, which somehow still have sugar in them.

Speaker 2: Dude. Yeah, it's good though. Plain Cheerios are good. I think they're underrated, actually.

Speaker 1: It's an old man cereal, though. I did... I, I also like like the corn crisp things. Those are pretty good. Uh, but I don't get those regularly. What I eat a lot is Fiber One. That's what I eat, Fiber One. But only the slightly more sugary honey kind, because the other one has a super weird aftertaste. But it's like the Fiber One flakes. And so, yeah, now...

Speaker 2: Oh, they're bran flakes? They're like a bran...

Speaker 1: They're like a bran flake looking thing. Yeah. They're like, "We get the slightest coating of honey." They're like bare... They're just sweet enough to disguise the fact that they're probably made out of like demon souls or whatever the hell. Like, 'cause the other one that's not sweetened, like you get the aftertaste where you're just like, "What is this unholy amalgamation? Like what the fuck am... What am I even eating, really?" Like it's not bran flakes. Like there's they put something other... there's something secret in the sauce that I probably don't want to know about. So I live in ignorance as to what is actually in Fiber One. But they, they say there's fiber in there, and I like that. So I'm eating old man cereal, basically. I'm eating healthy... healthy cereal. That's where I'm at, dude. And unfortunately...

Speaker 2: Have you tried Raisin... Raisin Bran or whatever?

Speaker 1: I like, I like Raisin Bran. I don't eat it regularly, though. Maybe I should try it again, 'cause it's been a, it's been a minute. I remember...

Speaker 2: They got raisins in it.

Speaker 1: I remember thinking too many... too many raisins.

Speaker 2: Okay.

Speaker 1: They're too chewy, dude. I want the, the texture, like the, the chewiness mixed in with the crunchy. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2: Have you ever tried Grape-Nuts? That's the ultimate old man cereal. If you, if you want to go old nut... old man cereal, I challenge you. I actually challenge you to eat a whole box of Grape-Nuts.

Speaker 1: Is that a type of cereal or is that a type of nut?

Speaker 2: It's, it's totally a type of cereal. It is the, um, it is the ultimate, if you're talking about the like, the ultimate in cereal technology, and you want just like the healthiest... To me, it's Grape-Nuts. Grape-Nuts is like the healthiest cereal on the planet.

Speaker 1: It's "power-packed with nutrition" and "an excellent source of fiber." I'm sold. Daddy needs his fiber.

Speaker 2: Yo, yo. If you could eat a whole box, though, I will be thoroughly impressed.

Speaker 1: Are they like super bland?

Speaker 2: Yo, I'm just telling you. I'm telling you, Grape-Nuts is hard as hell to like, keep going. It's just like, I feel like you're just eating like sadness. That's how I feel when I eat Grape-Nuts.

Speaker 1: I'm not going to buy this shit. I'm not going to eat this. Hell no. Why are you eating this? For the fiber?

Speaker 2: Yeah, 'cause it's, dude, there's nothing, there's nothing, there's no other breakfast food than Grape-Nuts when it comes to fiber, bro. Nothing comes close. Nothing. Nothing comes close.

Speaker 1: Going to be pooping out basically a beer can.

Speaker 2: Yeah, you'll be, uh, what... what's the animal that poops out squares? You, you will become that animal.

Speaker 1: There's an animal that poops out squares?

Speaker 2: Yeah, it's, uh, the freaking... something from Australia or New Zealand or something. Um, uh, the Wombat. Yeah, it's the Wombat. The Wombat poops squares. It's like the only thing that poops out a brick. Oh, he's looking it up. Okay, so while you're looking it up...

Speaker 1: ChatGPT, what animal has the weirdest poops? ...That honor probably goes to the wombat, bro. You beat ChatGPT to the punch. They produce cube-shaped poop. Yes, literal little brown dice. Runner-ups are sloths, who only poop while climbing down trees once a week. Sea cucumbers can poop out their guts as defense and then grow them back. I wish I could do that. I could use a new pair of guts. Moose, in winter, their poop turns into neat dry pellets. In summer, it's wet clumps. What? I'm a sea... Maybe you are a sea cucumber. I was meant to be a sea cucumber and regenerate my guts once a year. I think that's really what I should be.

Speaker 2: But you're a human. But you're a human, so you can't regenerate. So you just poop your guts out and you're like, "Fuck, I gotta bring all this stuff back in."

Speaker 1: I have no guts. Yeah, basically after I poop, I'm just like hauling, it's like hauling in a rope over the side of a ship. Just reeling my guts back in. Yeah.

Speaker 2: So I'm, I have to be honest, man, my, my guilty pleasure for cereal is, is, is, uh, Fruity Pebbles. Fruity Pebbles are my like... I will literally eat a whole box of Fruity Pebbles in one sitting and be like, "Why have, why did I run out? How did I run out? Like, I need more." Like, it's crack.

Speaker 1: I tried those again recently, too. I got like three boxes in a row, and then I was like, "I have to stop." Like I, dude, they're good. The only, the one downside is they kind of like clump up if they get too wet. So you kind of have to...

Speaker 2: You got to eat them...

Speaker 1: You got, yeah, you either have to do that or you have to do the thing where you have like a break wall of cereal that's like getting soggy at the edges, but then it like guards the part that's like still dry. You know, you have like... You have like a... yeah, you know, it's like, it's like a levee break of cereal and and there's, yeah, anyway, you know what I mean.

Speaker 2: Um, but we, we do uh, Cracklin' Oat Bran, uh, frosted rice... my son is obsessed with Frosted Flakes. Um, and then, uh, we have like, I don't know, I think like Life, I think, Life cereal, like the Life... like it's literally called Life. Um, but I'm, I'm, uh, I don't know. I growing up, growing up, I had all, I tried all the cereals, man. My favorite commercial for a cereal was Fruit Island Cereal, dude. Fruit Island Cereal was like... I was obsessed with that commercial. I loved the cereal, but it was probably... like I probably couldn't eat it today. Like it's like probably, you know, 40 pounds of sugar or whatever, but...

Speaker 1: I've never heard of Fruit Island Cereal.

Speaker 2: And then the other ones were like, uh, Boo Berry, Boo Berry Blast or whatever the, the Franken... Frankenstein one, uh, Count Chocula was like... yeah. Yeah, he had like a whole gang of dudes. He had the, uh, the, the boo... the, the ghost, the Frankenstein guy, uh, it was him, and then there was, I think there was one other.

Speaker 1: They all had cereals, too. Yeah.

Speaker 2: They all had like a cereal. Um...

Speaker 1: Captain Crunch. Captain Crunch is pretty good.

Speaker 2: Yeah, you... with the, with the peanut butter stuff or just the plain old Captain Crunch?

Speaker 1: Nah, dude. Like regular Captain Crunch, like the whole package. Not the, not the one or the other, with all, everything in there. I like all that. But it's been ages since I had it.

Speaker 2: My cousins really liked Applejacks. Applejacks was another one that I feel like was really popular in the '90s.

Speaker 1: There is an absurd selection of cereals. We really live in a society where there's this many kinds of cereals, man. You know what's hitting the shelves now, though, for healthy people, is, um, protein cereal. Like Magic Spoon. And also like, we, we got these Cheerios that are like, "They're protein Cheerios." And I ate a bowl and I was like, "Those are just super sugary Cheerios with kind of a weird texture." Like that's, that's not good for you. Like, I don't care how much protein you say is inside of this thing. First of all, I don't believe there's that much protein in there. Second of all, this is still sugary as sin. It is not good for you. I just like to, I just like to put a suffix on all of this by saying... I looked up, when I first decided to try cereal again, I was like, "I wonder if any of this is good and also not sugary." Like, maybe cereal technology's advanced that far. I've never, ever in all my years, even the Fiber One I'm talking about, more sugary than it has any right to be. There's no sugary cereal that tastes good and is good for you. It doesn't exist. There's something about cereal where it inherently has to be bad for you in order to taste good at all. I've never seen a cereal that didn't have a ridiculous sugar count. And if some... you know, if someone can prove me wrong, go to today's topic.productions, write us an email, tell me the cereal.

Speaker 2: I think one, one, one thing I think I want to just, just say is that I believe that cereal has a place in the breakfast table, but it is only for fiber. If you're trying to get your cereal for protein, if you're trying to get your cereal for vitamin A, vitamin C, vitamin D, whatever those minerals that they enrich the cereal with, that's where I think it starts falling short.

Speaker 1: Yeah, get that from like fruit or something.

Speaker 2: Right? Like... right. Get your fruits in there, man. Grab... grab your apple. What happened to "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"?

Speaker 1: And I, I also have a thing to add here. Um, uh, that only applies to cereals that that, uh, only taste like nothing, basically. They taste like Grape-Nuts or whatever that cereal you're talking about is. They don't taste good. Those are the only ones that are good for you, the ones that taste like terrible. Final word. That's my final word. Done