The Lost Art of Wiping Butts

Host 1: All right, we're locked in now. We're ready to roll. We're ready to record. And we're talking about an important public service announcement for the people and that is: get yourself a bidet. All right, do it for yourself, do it for your cleanliness—yeah, that's today's topic. Do it for the planet, dude. Actually, don't do it for the planet. Do it for yourself, most importantly.

Host 2: The planet?

Host 1: Well, I mean, you’re gonna chop down all those innocent trees to use for butt-hole paper when you could be using the power of water, which incurs no waste?

Host 2: So you're gonna—you're gonna put more shit in the water supply? That's what you're gonna do?

Host 1: Well, you already use water. There's just gonna be less paper in the water, man. You're just being contrary, dude. You're on a tear today. You know what? You're in a mood. You're in a mood.

Host 2: (Sound of a fan clicking)

Host 1: As you turn on and off your fan.

Host 2: I turned it off, bro.

Host 1: Dude, this—this isn't a visual podcast. You can't point out shit that I'm doing visually and expect the viewer to understand.

Host 2: That helps the viewer—that helps the viewer connect. That connects them to the stuff.

Host 1: And yeah, I know I'm casual tonight. It’s nice. Viewer, you couldn't see this, but I just pointed the remote over my shoulder and just casually just—beep—hit the button to turn it off. Because the machines do what I command them to do. I'm a master of machines.

Host 2: Oh, the machines command you just like when—when you need them to wipe your butt. That's your—

Host 1: Yeah, that's the beauty of the bidet. Imagine instead of having to—to reach over to the paper, grab the paper, lift your cheeks up, then, you know, wipe gently in the area or dab, which is actually better. And then throw the paper out instead?

Host 2: When you—when you wipe yourself, you have to—you have to lift your cheek when—when you wipe?

Host 1: Yeah, I'm not trying to—oh my god. This is just—

Host 2: You take the other hand—so your—your wiping for you is like a two—like a two—

Host 1: Yeah, you have to go past the cheek to get to the gooey center, dude. You can't like—if you're just shoving paper past your cheeks, it means you're just smearing feces all over the inside of your butt cheeks. Dude, this—this whole topic, honestly, I should have seen it getting this gross this quickly. This is a—grossest topic I think we've ever done. Even more gross than porn we did tastefully, I think. This is just got gross immediately. Look, the point is that a bidet doesn't mean you have to smear feces all over the inside of your—your butt-hole, which is what you're doing with paper. It doesn't pick—it doesn't pick all that up. Have you ever like—like dropped, I don't know, like Indian food—okay, I don't want to compare poop to Indian food. A food that is gooey like feces. Any food's delicious, I love Indian food. Man, I'm really trying not to talk myself into a corner here. Have you ever dropped like a gooey food and then just like wiped—wiped it up off a counter with paper? With like no water or anything? Has that ever completely picked it up? No. You're walking around with poop on your butt-hole if you aren't using water. If you aren't using at least a wet wipe. You know, at least use wet wipes for your own sake. But the best course of action: wash it off with water, go bidet. Okay? It's my personal security announcement. It's my public service announcement.

Host 2: So is this episode supposed to only be two and a half minutes? Because this topic is pretty—is pretty much, you know, talking about your body's output. So I feel like—I mean, we can reel it back in. I won't talk about double fisting your butt-hole to wipe with it, but, you know, I'll—

Host 1: Double fisting my butt-hole to wipe—what are you talking about? That is grossest topic ever, man. No, it's just you gotta—you if you just shove paper past your cheeks, you're just gonna smear it all over the inside of your cheeks. I don't get that at all. Gotta make sure you get straight to the center, dab, get out, dude. It's hygiene.

Host 2: It's a dab? You don't—you don't even wipe? You just kind of—kind of tap it? You just kind of tap it and—

Host 1: No, I'm not going to smear poopy all over the inside of my butt-hole. That's crazy.

Host 2: You just kind of—kind of tap it.

Host 1: I just kind of—I just kind of tap if I have to. If I have to, if I feel the need to wipe, then—

Host 2: Is that how you pick up gooey food? Is that how you pick up gooey food off the kitchen counter that you spill? You just kind of dab at it? You just kind of poke at it and—

Host 1: Oh, that's mostly just to clean the water off, if I ever do that. It's mostly in—it's just—it's just to pick up the water with a quick dab.

Host 2: No, you're doing like a—doing like a cobra strike with your hand. I don't—I don't cobra strike finger my asshole to fucking pick up the water, dude.

Host 1: That's what I think of when I think of a dab. I think of a dab as just like a—a tap, you know? I think of a dab as like a tap.

Host 2: It is very—it's slow. It's considerate. It's gentle. It's almost sensual.

Host 1: Oh. Yeah. Oh okay. It's a very—it's a very important process. Okay? It's the most important process.

Host 2: Yeah, I mean, I'm a—I'm an upper until that's clean and then I'm a downer until that's clean. And then I feel like—and then I wipe back—it's kind of like a—left-right, then left again before you walk across the street. I'm an upper, I pull up, I pull up, I pull up until it's clean. And then I pull down, I pull down until that's clean, and then do one more back up. That's how I wipe my ass.

Host 1: It's very thorough of you, but you're still just smearing shit all over the inside of your butt-hole.

Host 2: How do you know that—how do you know that the bidet has cleaned everything?

Host 1: Because I've seen it. I've seen the inside of your butt-hole, that's how I know. I have spies everywhere. I have machines working for me.

Host 2: You have a—you have a mirror on your toilet and so when you bidet you go, "Oh, that looks good to me," and then you're good? Is that—

Host 1: Dude, I have nanobots. Dude, it's just fucking science, dude. It's science. Go read a book about bidets. You don't even know what you're talking about. It's science, bro.

Host 2: It's science that what? What's the science—

Host 1: That water picks up better. Duh. There's some very basic science supporting—if you dropped—if you dropped poop on your arm.

Host 2: Okay.

Host 1: If you—if you—look, at all point we've gotten a little bit of fecal on our non-butt-hole area of our body. It happens sometimes.

Host 2: Okay, yeah, it happens.

Host 1: Would you just pick that up with dry paper and then be like, "I'm good"? No. You wash it with soap and water! Obviously I'm not saying you use soap—look, okay, now you're gonna say, "Oh, do you put soap on your butt-hole?" No, I don't put soap on my butt-hole every day. But you use water to get off all the little grainy bits. Okay?

Host 2: The reason why we don't—the reason why we needed soap was because water didn't pick everything up. That's the whole reason why we needed soap.

Host 1: Soap—soap is to pick up grease. Oils. Not just—yeah, well, what do you think comes out of our butt-hole? Do you not think oils come out of our butt-hole?

Host 2: Yeah, and yet we don't soap our butt-holes. Maybe I'm not even on the proper level yet. Maybe—I know you're not soaping your butt-hole, so don't act like you're better than me. All right? Because you got a dry—you got a dry, papery butt-hole. You got little bits of paper, I bet, inside of your butt-hole.

Host 1: No, no, no. I'm in practice when bidets aren't around. When I'm in the forest and I need to shit, I need to shit in the forest, I don't have a bidet. There's no bidet around me. And—and forest rules is: you don't shit in your own water supply. So you don't take a dump in the stream. It's not a good idea. You don't clean your butt in the stream because then you're poisoning the water hole.

Host 2: So you're saying it's more natural to chop down a tree, pulp it into paper, and then use that?

Host 1: I'm not saying that that's not an extreme version of—of what we did when we were, you know, primitive, more primitive. But I mean, what do you think we did?

Host 2: Filled up a jug with water and then poured it down the B-hole?

Host 1: And was that—is that more useful for the water than actually just like drinking water? Because usually water was like in short supply. So like using water is kind of a—is a wasteful thing.

Host 2: I mean, water's only in short supply if you're far away from a water source. I see your point, though.

Host 1: I think that depends on culture. I think that depends on culture and circumstance. It goes back—for me, it goes back to like turning off the water faucet when you brush your teeth. ChatGPT, how did the first peoples wipe their butt-hole?

Host 2: With their hands. That's what they did. They just like scooped—

Host 1: I meant to—meant to call it "computer." I like calling it computer so I feel like Dexter from Dexter's Lab. By the way, oh, I shouldn't probably say this on the podcast since we're recording, so I'll just leave it alone. My project—my project is—is almost Halloween ready, by the way.

Host 2: Let’s go. You know what, why don't we just pivot completely because this is gross. This is for the people who somehow—

Host 1: You've been saying it's gross since—hold on, no, no, no, no. We're—we're staying on topic here. This butt wiping is an important topic. This'll get—

Host 2: Different early peoples used a variety of materials and techniques for personal hygiene depending on where they lived and what was available. Ha ha ha. Water! First answer. ChatGPT's never wrong, by the way. This episode is sponsored by ChatGPT. Oh, and ChatGPT—just like—just like any source on the internet—is only wrong when you want it to be and it's only right when you want it to be. We decide what is true these days.

Host 1: Hold on, hold on, let me just—let me just have 30 seconds here. Let me just have 30 seconds. Sticks and stones. How do you think ChatGPT gets rid of its waste?

Host 2: Water. It's clean.

Host 1: So it's—it's water biased, man. It's water biased. It's water biased, it's going to tell you that water is the best way because that's how it does it.

Host 2: So there's other ones here. Natural materials: people used leafed grass, moss, or handfuls of snow, which I assume were where you were going with it. And then sticks and stones. Archaeologists have found chūgi—don't know if I'm pronouncing that right—small wooden or bamboo sticks in ancient Japan and China that were used for cleaning. Imagine being on like an archaeological dig and being like, "Oh my god, I found a special stick. What was it used for? Some kind of ritual? Some kind of sacred rite? Oh my god, this is the discovery of a century," and you're the guy who discovered the butt-wipe stick. That'd be hilarious.

Host 1: Let me just say that—of all—of all the things that I do from day to day, the shit is the most ceremonial. It is the thing in which I find the most sacred and holy when I am taking a dump.

Host 2: If you don't go to church, there's always the porcelain God.

Host 1: Dude, I—pay homage. I pay—I make a deposit every day. Not every day, but, you know, I'm regular. In ancient Rome, people used a communal sponge on a stick kept in salt water or vinegar between uses.

Host 2: Imagine using the same butt wiper as your—as your neighbor. Dude, if I ever saw anyone eating like a big poopy food, like something spicy, I'd be like, "Stop that! You're gonna get the stick all gross. Stop it, you animal. You take normal shits. You eat fiber."

Host 1: Well, I think that's the thing about a sponge. I mean, I think it with the vinegar and stuff you're trying to—you're choting the line of some type of cleaning agent, which I can totally get behind. Having some kind of cleaning agent close by—like a wet wipe. I'm—I could be pro-wet wipe. I just think there's a problem with our commode system, our plumbing systems, to where wet wipes don't really dissolve as well, and so there's just a—you know.

Host 2: That's the problem with wet wipes is that people flush them. You're not supposed to flush them. But I understand that people don't want poopy wipes in their trash. I'm used to it because I used to live in a country with really shitty plumbing and you couldn't even flush toilet paper down there or it would clog up the terrible, old, like early 20th-century pipes. And that was also just a cultural thing everywhere. So I don't think it was universally true. You know, there were definitely places with modern plumbing in that country. So like I think it was just a cultural thing where like no one—no one flushed paper. Honestly, I mean, I pretty sure I saw like a Dirty Jobs or something about the sewage system and wet wipes or toilet paper—that shit all ends up down there. Like toilet paper doesn't magically dissolve. You know, like it still ends up in the sewer and they have to like filter it out when they—when they treat the water. It's a big mass of papers. But for some reason, wet wipes are worse. I don't understand. I don't—I don't know.

Host 1: I think it's the thick—in order to hold the—the cleaning agent, the—the fibers have to be thicker.

Host 2: That makes sense. That makes sense. You know what, bit of homework for you, dear listener: go and, you know, do a little bit of basic research for us and comment on this episode or email us at todays-topic-dot-productions—that's the website where the email is. Still don't know what the email is, just—just know the—the name of the website.

Host 1: It's admin. It's admin-at-todays-topic-dot-production-dot-dot-productions.

Host 2: No, I still don't know. It's todays-topic-dot-productions. Go there, then find the admin email and then email us. It's just one more step, dear listener. Appreciate you. Kisses. That's my final word.

Host 1: Wait, no, that is not a good final word.

Host 2: Okay fine, my final word is, I guess, you know, just wipe it with your hand. That's what my co-host wants you to do. Wipe with your hand, that's what the original people did. That's what he was saying. That's my final word. That's it. Done. It's done, dude.