Letting It Rip To Stir Your Loved Ones

This episode of Today's Topic (jokingly referred to as Poopy in the Bud) explores the "speech of the butt" in all its glory—from domestic wake-up calls to corporate boardroom dominance.

Transcription: Episode: 00031

Host A: All right, welcome back to Poopy in the Bud on today’s podcast. Today we’re talking about the most poopy-est, buddy-est topic of them all, and that is farts. And you want to know why? You want to know what inspired me personally—can't speak for my co-host here—to talk about the "speech of the butt" today here on the podcast?

It’s because this morning I woke up a little bit early. I got out of bed, you know, with a spring in my step as usual, and I immediately let one rip. And it actually scared my wife awake. She spasmed, startled, got up, and was fully awake for a few moments and said something along the lines of, "Was that a fart?"

And I said, "Yes, honey. Go back to bed." I didn’t realize I had that superpower. I think I gained that one with age.

Host B: I have to ask a question: Was it in the "Love Tent"? Was it within the confines of the Love Tent, or did you actually—were you out of bed so it reverberated across the entire room?

Host A: It was just a perfect angle. It was just... chef’s kiss. Perfect opportunity. I didn’t even do it on purpose. I was out of the tent, and I was standing at the side of the bed looking at my dresser, which is the opposite side of the room from her. So, you know, my butt was pointed right at her. And it just slipped right out of me, and it was loud.

Host B: And it slipped out? It slipped out, or you were like, "I gotta let this one go"?

Host A: Oh, I never hold them. I never hold them unless, like, the Queen is in my presence or something like that. And I don't hang around with royalty. I like democracy, so I don't really f*** with monarchy. I’m good.

Host B: You never hold it in? You never hold in the fart?

Host A: No, not really. I think it’s unhealthy. The other day I was playing pickleball—yeah, I play pickleball, we can talk about that another time—and you know, I was just stretching. There were some other people behind me, pretty close, probably like a couple meters away on the other side of this net. And I was like, "Well, I got one coming." I’m stretching, you know, my cheeks are spreading. There’s something bubbling. The volcano's about to burst.

And I was like, "Well, I could hold it in. I could walk over there, act like I'm doing something, let it rip over there." And I was like, "Why? Who cares?" So it just came out.

The Volcano Analogy

Host B: The volcano analogy is very interesting because what’s the equivalent of a "volcano fart"? Is it just billowing smoke? Is there an eruption type?

Host A: Well, I’m pretty sure volcanoes have little hiccups—and I’m getting this from a disaster movie, so it’s probably not accurate—but they have little hiccups where they release just like gas. I think they call them "emissions" or something like that. So that’s what it usually is. But then, you know, every now and then, every 100 years or so, there’s some lava in there.

So you gotta watch when you let out a gas emission, because sometimes the lava comes with it. But rarely. Most of the time it’s just gas.

The Corporate Power Move

Host B: I’m the same with you, man. I feel like when I’m in a meeting... what I do usually is I try to squeeze it out, you know? I try to almost make it a whistle and just kind of let it slide real gentle out. But when I’m at home, as soon as I feel a rumble, I’m like, "All right, open the sphincters, let it out." Get the pressure out of there! You gotta let the stomach acid and all the intestinal juices be free. You can't compress them. But I feel like there’s times where I’m trying to make it as silent as I possibly can.

Host A: I see that, but I also raise you: What if you didn’t care? Do you think that they would respect that power move in the meeting? Like, seriously, who would point it out? If you were just up there saying, "Yeah, well, the third-quarter earnings," and you just let one rip? Didn’t pause your speech. Didn’t point it out. No apology. Nothing. Just—rip—while you were talking.

I’m pretty sure you could gaslight most people into wondering if you actually farted or if they imagined it. Don't mention it, just keep going. Like, would they say anything? Maybe you'd end up being the guy who farts in meetings... or maybe you'd be The Maverick. The Billy Badass who dares to fart and just pretend like it never happened. Nothing takes more guts than totally ignoring something embarrassing.

Host B: I’m envisioning me at a light projector, pointing with my laser pointer, and then just raising my leg up and being like, "RIP!" And then just keep going. And everyone’s like, "What in the hell just happened?"

Host A: See, I was imagining you never even lifting your leg to acknowledge it. Just a "slipper." It slips right out. So the people will be wondering, "Oh my god, did he even fart? Was that him?" No one’s acknowledging this fart! They’ll forget what you’re talking about, and you can then get them to agree to anything. You’d just be like, "Does that sound good?" and they’ll be thinking about the fart, not what you’re saying. And they’ll be like, "Yeah, sure," because they don’t want to mention the fart.

For all our corporate Americans out there—and other countries' peoples—who are doing presentations and stuff: Try it. If you have a really risky proposal, you don't think they're going to say yes? Put a casual fart in there before.

Host B: What is the "neutral event" of the power fart? I feel like it’s a black-and-white event. Either everyone’s confused and disoriented, or everyone calls you out and laughs about it and you’re embarrassed. Where's the between?

Host A: Maybe just a managerial type, a boss type, calmly addressing the fart in almost what sounds like a prepared statement. "All right, so we all heard the fart. That’s unprofessional. I’m not condemning anyone, it's natural, it happens. But let's try to keep flatulence out of our business we're conducting here."

The "Love Tent" (Domestic Warfare)

Host B: All right, so the other area where I feel like farting needs to be maybe—at least this is where my wife talks to me about the "no-fart zone"—is within the covers. In bed, under the covers. The Love Tent, as I call it. Are you just ripping it in there, too?

Host A: I’m not going to lie, I do, but I was not the first one to break the sanctity of the tent. I’m not trying to blow up anyone’s spot here, but she was just immediately no-holds-barred in there. Mine are loud; hers are stinky. So let's just say I got Dutch Ovened pretty early.

If you fart in the tent and you don't waft it out—you don't move the covers—it’s just going to slowly filter up through the one opening, which is where your face and head is. It’s just going to slowly percolate up into your nostrils for hours. So you have to air it out of there.

But yeah, I just let them rip in there because mine you don't even notice they're in there. But even if mine stank, I would still let them rip in there because that's my revenge. I’m petty like that. I’d just be like, "You smell it now! No, I'm not going to waft it out, it’s your turn to smell." Didn't let me watch my show on the big TV tonight? All right, I'm eating an onion.

Host B: You read my f***ing mind! That was the first thing I thought. Like you’re looking at your wife and you’re like, "Yeah, girl. Get ready for the Love Tent, 'cause it's about to be war."

Host A: Silent but deadlys are the best way to get—to disrupt things. If you're in the meeting and it’s not loud, you just let it permeate into the courtroom. People are like, "Oh my god, what the hell is that?" And you're just like, "It must be a gas leak outside. It must have come in."

That is the way to get people to try to terminate a meeting as quickly as possible. If you’re really not looking forward to a meeting, having the ability to just quickly summon up some stinkers and just absolutely gas the whole room... that’s a superpower.

Consistency and Final Words

Host A: Nothing’s consistent for me. I could eat some days, it’s just loud farts. Other times I’ll have the most healthy thing ever and it’ll just turn into putrid death. Maybe that’s good? Maybe that means your tummy is really working on something. If you have any questions about this, you should contact a doctor.

Host B: Turn your doctor to the podcast and say, "Hey doc, can you listen to this thing and see if they're giving any false information?" and then have that doctor comment on us so we can correct ourselves. We need all the interaction we can get.

Host A: We have no ulterior motives to get your doctor to listen to this podcast. Just get him to listen to it to answer your medical questions. And also subscribe! If you’re a professional farter—like some sort of carny, a carnival person who farts professionally—now is your time to shine. You’ve got to email us at todaystopic.productions. This is your episode. Email us and we'll have you on.

Host B: I taught my kids to fart very early on. I have brought my wife over to the dark side where we’re just farting. We’re farting in the train, we’re farting in the rain. We’re farting in the box, in the box with a fox. We fart here and there, we fart everywhere. And that's my final word.